For some hikers using a privy is as natural as unzipping a sleeping bag. For others, perhaps less skilled at crapping in a closet, the experience can be terrifying. Here are ten suggestions guaranteed to calm the nerves.
1. If the privy tilts at a 45 degree angle, plan an escape avenue before entering.
2. That little bug with the furry legs and the hourglass on its body is a black widow. Need we say more?
3. If you feel a rubber-gloved hand grab your butt, relax and finish your business. You’re imagining things. The Privy Diddler retired years ago.
4. A horse head invading your space does not mean you are targeted for a mob hit. Put down the toilet paper and feed Secretariat an apple. You are in the Grayson Highlands. Stuff happens.
5. If you hear someone mumbling about Giardia, followed by footsteps running your way, drop the guidebook and get the heck out of there. One holers are not meant to be shared.
6. Bears rarely visit privies, despite the Charmin commercials, and that pointed black nose more than likely belongs to a skunk. If you don’t want to smell worse than you already do, close your eyes and play dead. If this doesn’t work, gather your legs under you and attempt a leap through the space above the door. If sprayed, head back to the shelter and act like nothing happened. Chances are your hiking buddies won’t notice the difference.
7. Never grab a grapevine and Tarzan into a privy. You are not Bear Grylls and will overshoot your mark. Need we say more?
8. Beware of cracked toilet seats. A crack on a crack is a recipe for disaster. If pinched, scream accordingly, then spin in circles until free.
9. Occasionally, the trail traverses the slope above the privy. If you see someone you know, be careful what you wave when you holler hello.
10. Save your American Idol impersonation for elsewhere. Singing “Runaway Train” while in a privy is just plain tacky.
For readers new to my blog, I am attempting to hike from Springer Mountain, Georgia to the set of the Stephan Colbert Report. If you would like to read an account of this adventure in chronological order, go to Categories in the sidebar and click on “Appalachian Trail hike.” Start with the bottom link and read your way up.
